Please read the descriptions of my offerings and use the forms below to submit the information I will need to carry out my mission!
We all dream, but do we know what they mean? Sometimes our dreams hold significant information you might need to learn and grow, other times they might exist to make you pee your pants out of fear or joy (no judgment).
A long time ago, I would have people submit a description of one of their dreams online, and I would share my interpretation with them. I want to get back to this. My process to find meaning is part intuition, part B.S., part looking up stuff in my handy collection of dream dictionaries that I’ve had practically my whole life. My intent is to interpret the dreams as accurately as I can with my sense of humor shining as if the sun was shining through a stained glass window.
Here is an example of an actual dream interpretation I did for the Supermoon Supervisor. And is an example of one of my own actual dreams:
Narrative: I had some kind of rare disease. My doctor gave me very specific instructions to treat it. She wrote it all down on a piece of paper. She filled one of the prescriptions I needed at CVS. The other medication she prescribed, I was told I could get at the mall. I imagined it was some kind of CBD product. But as I looked more carefully at the instructions she gave me, I realized I needed a medication that was made out of a roadkill raccoon that had eaten a deer, or something (not entirely sure, but the animal was bigger than a raccoon). The instructions were to smear the raccoon all over by body. My initial thought was “what if I don’t want to do that?” This caused me incredible guilt because it was far from being vegan. The instructions said I could not shower or wash myself for four days after applying the raccoon medicine. I wanted to ask if using shower gel instead of soap would be okay, but that was a stupid question. I wondered if I could shower before I started the medicine. I really needed that shower. Suddenly, I was waiting for my boyfriend at a library. In the library, there was a snake that someone was throwing pain killers to and the snake would catch them like treats for a dog. The snake was begging for them and then jumping up and catching them in his mouth. My boyfriend eventually picked me up. I saw my stuff in his trunk, but I knew his trunk was leaky and I got anxious that it would be ruined (this is true in real life too). Ryan (my boyfriend) had some errands to do. I told him about how I needed to pick up the raccoon medicine from the mall. We ended up running out of time with all the stuff we needed to do, and I couldn’t get the medicine. I was upset about it because I wanted to be cured of the disease. I called the doctor and she told me that instead using the raccoon medicine I could rub a bar of red clay all over me in the shower and that would help cure me. That was pretty much it.
Interpretation: First of all, do it yourself! Don’t put your healing in the hands of someone else who might not have time or energy to help you. Others can certainly help you on your journey to healing, but they’ve got their own sh*t to heal themselves!
Based on the details of this dream, I believe you are unable to cope with a situation that is occurring in your life and need to focus on healing from it. You may be keeping a secret or hiding something from others. You will need to plan for the future in a creative way.
Alternately, Freud might say that the snake represents a sexual organ and that you need to heal yourself with it.
Or maybe you want a dog as a pet. You will go to a shelter planning to adopt a dog, but will fall in love with a snake with special needs or a domesticated raccoon and take one (or both? live dangerously!) home with you. You will also start a new creative hobby, such as ceramics.
Tips for getting the most accurate and humorous reading: It works best if you can share with me specific symbols, colors, feelings from the dream, but also provide a narrative as best as you remember. Submit your dreams to me by filling out the form below!
Cost: Free! For now, in exchange for being posted on my blog. You will have the chance to review your reading before I post it. And I’ll give you a fun pseudonym like “Lord of the guys” or “Cat Grandma.” Or you can choose your own! 💖
Terrible Tarot Readings
AKA Illustrated Card Readings by an Insecure Person (that’s me!)
Ask me a question about a situation in your life that you are eager for an answer to (I may guide you to rephrase the question to give you a better reading). I will light a candle. Or maybe incense. If I am feeling adventurous, I might even cleanse the deck with a sage stick and hope to goddess that I don’t light the cards on fire. Don’t worry, I will clear any bad energy away however I can. Then, I will concentrate really hard on you and your question. I will use my top secret method of blindly picking the appropriate card for you and your…query or conundrum. I will interpret the card. I will write something up for you. Finally, I will tie it all together with some…twine. That is a lie, because I can’t really tie it together. It will be sent by email along with my sad attempt of an artistic rendition of your card. You may even believe the drawing is good, but maybe that’s because your opinion of “art” is set too low. Or…actually, I’m projecting my own feelings on to you. Gotta work on that.
I will spend anywhere between 30 minutes to two hours drawing the card, depending on my level of interest, enthusiasm, stress, mood, or time available. Hey, at least I’m honest. You can choose a day glow tarot design or a more traditional style. Please mention that in the message you send me. If I’ve already drawn the same card for someone else we’ll figure it out. If you have some other idea for a style you’d like to see, I’m open to getting wild with it!
I will show you any reading with you before I post them here. You will be able to suggest edits if you are uncomfortable with anything being posted publicly. No identifying information will be shared unless you want me to. I could fashion one of those newspaper advice column pseudonyms like “lonely but doesn’t want a relationship” or “dreaming of putrid smelling trees, but you can also opt to make up your own. That’s probably more fun and less demeaning, anyways.
See a reading I did for Miss Solar Eclipse.
And here is an example of a reading I did for myself:
Question: What do I need to focus on to make this website great?
Card I drew: The Lovers Card
To make this website/blog great, you first need to focus on the aesthetics. Like, become the aesthetician of your blog. Grow it. Groom it. Make it glow.
It seems like you’re the kind of person who gets distracted by glitter covered products when you walk around Target. Can’t. Look. Away… Too. Much. Glitter. Your affirmation when building up your site should be “I am made of glitter ✨ and rainbows 🌈 and sparkling emoji hearts 💖 and will infuse them into everything I do.”
You already know you have a big heart and put love and care into everything you do. I mean, even when WordPress said it was autosaving the earlier version of this page, where you spent two hours making it perfect, and it disappeared before your eyes when you closed out of the editing window and went to view it all…you still loved this project enough to write it all up again. For the good of the world. For yourself. For the people who will grow to love this website. And hey, this turned out way better than your idea to do a sample reading for the year’s card, the Emperor/Trump! It’s proof that your first instinct and intuition can sometimes serve you…
Cost: Free! In exchange for being featured on my blog anonymously (unless you want to be known!).
Send me your question in the form below: