Today is the first inaugural Illustrated Terrible Tarot reading!
A friend of mine (from way back when) volunteered to be my first illustrated tarot card reading guinea pig (or should I say gerbil, because I had a weird dream about teeny tiny gerbils running around everywhere).
She chose the pseudonym Tawanda, so I will refer to her as that name.
Tawanda’s question was:
“What should I do to ensure my family will be ok during the covid 19 shutdown?”
Tawanda was very lucky, because this was only supposed to be a one card reading. But two jumped out at me at once! I couldn’t just ignore their pleas for attention to be read together.
Tawanda’s cards were the 9 of Cups and the Judgement card in reverse.
Tawanda had no idea what that meant. So, I told her.
The nine of cups is all about making yourself happy and indulging (yes those are NINE wine glasses!) behind a proud looking guy who is manspreading on a little bench as he thinks about all the wine he will be drinking soon.
His indulgent mindset is soothing him, and it can for you too when it’s right. However, moderation is going to be key right now so you can make sure your family is okay during these terrible times.
The judgement card affirms the need for moderation. This card is from the major arcana which makes it a little more powerful of an archetype than the minor arcana (the 9 of cups is part of the minor arcana). Your judgement card was in reverse when I picked it up, so it has a somewhat different meaning than if it was upright.
It’s showing me that you and your family will rise up against your challenges. In order to achieve this though, you need to focus on the basics and decide to keep things simple.
These cards jumped out together the way they did for a reason. Together, they show me a message that would be different if you only got one or the other. We all know you work so hard as a mom and as an employee and caring for others is what you do. It is fun to indulge and treat yourself, and you deserve the pleasure and self-soothing luxuries! It’s just not the right time for too much of that indulgence. Soon you’ll need to stick more to just the essentials because we’re still in for a rough ride ahead.
I chose to illustrate the 9 of cups since the Judgment card was reversed so I’ll save it for when it is upright. So here it is in all its glory:
Thank you Tawanda, for allowing me to do a reading for you!
First of all, I have a deep connection with my unruly, dysfunctional family. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but come on!
This is especially true, when they are dead. When people in my family die, weird shit happens. Like, I can’t get rid of them (I don’t want to).
It seems that my mom’s family is more likely to reach out to me from beyond the grave. They’re always with me. Especially my Uncle Stephen and my Grammie, whose name was literally Claire Clair (after marriage). I’ll get back to the mamas’ side later.
On my dad’s side…well…my grandma Lillian was a force to be reckoned with. In the short period of time Lillian graced me with her presence, she impressed upon me the appreciation of the finer things in life, like mixing juice with seltzer water when you craved soda but also wanted to stay svelte (I am disappointed that “svelte” is not a Yiddish word. I always thought it was. I couldn’t bring myself to use the actual Yiddish word for thin because it was boring).
Lillian gave me my gift for finding fresh scores from thrift stores – a trait I didn’t know could be passed genetically. She was an antique collector. She also collected “fine” art.
I like to think that had she lived longer, she would have collected the fine works of her grandchildren. Well, more likely my brother Chad’s work. When we were little, dining at restaurants, sometimes the owners would save the placemats (or paper table covers) that he drew all over. They would say they were keeping them for when he was “famous.” He’s not famous yet, but he does have his own IMDB page.
When my grampa died of ALS in 2005, I wanted their formica gray and pink boomerang pattern kitchen table from the 1950’s SO BAD, but I wasn’t allowed to take it because supposedly we had “NO ROOM FOR IT!”
Most of their smaller antiques now live in our basement, which is a graveyard of our dead relatives’ belongings + the remains of the crap I had from moving in and out of apartments when I realized that actually living in apartments was too expensive for the low wages I make.
Lillian died of cancer when I was three years old because, ultimately, she was afraid of doctors. This is a lesson I myself need to conquer. I need a new doctor, like yesterday. Because my doctor, with the fourteen letters in her unpronounceable last name, scares me more than people coming back from the dead. Eh, that isn’t a good comparison because visits from dead people aren’t scary. I don’t want to repeat this family pattern of being scared to face doctors, even though the process of finding a new doctor is truly terrifying.
While Lillian showed up to protect me when necessary, (and showed everyone else on my angel team who was boss), she had put on an even bigger show for my mother. Shortly after her passing, my mom noticed doors open and lights going on and off. She felt a presence and knew it was her mother-in-law.
“Your mother was just here!” my mom cried, waking my sleeping father.
“My mother is dead.” he replied. 👻
This site is dedicated to my Grandma Lillian for inspiring my aesthetic and my taste for the finer things in life.
But wait, I see (more) dead people (to dedicate this to).
Where my mother’s side may have passed down my witchiness, my father’s side passed down my sense of humor. I mean come on, they were Jewish, and if you don’t laugh in this culture, you will just want to cry.
I think I got my smile from my Grampa Arthur.
There are so many funny Arthur Stories. I want to share three of them:
Arthur was a class clown. His first grade teacher was unimpressed by his antics. One day, she finally decided on his punishment. “Well, if you think you’re such a wise guy,” she said, exasperated, “Let’s see how you fare in the third grade!” He was fine.
One day in middle school, our teachers invited certain grandparents who lived during World War II to be interviewed by us. My Grammie Clair and Arthur opted in to this experience. My Grampa was given THE group of the popular boys that everyone had a crush on. After it was over, these boys, who normally never talked to me, came rushing over to me at lunch. “LAURA!” they exclaimed, “Your Grandpa is SO cool! He was swearing and everything!”
…no one said anything to me about my grandmother though.
As an insomniatic child, one night I was creeping around, not able to sleep Like, a haunting undead child. My parents were away and Arthur was our house-sitter (not quite sure of his babysitting credentials).
In my parents’ ginormous bathroom, I often unashamedly annoyed my family while they were in there. Maybe I was curious. Maybe I just liked that bathroom (I mean who wouldn’t? It had a jacuzzi in the middle of it and a weird hallway where my mom stored her clothes in fancy zip up bags on hangers. AND at the end of the hallway, there was a cedar closet, where I would hide during my temper tantrums). Anywho, maybe I was just unashamed and curious about what people do in bathrooms. I had to get my potty jokes from somewhere!
That night, I stood in the bathroom by the sink so I could watch my grampa brush his teeth. Instead, he reached into his mouth and took out what I thought were all his teeth and his jaw in two pieces. I was shocked. I was wowed. What the heck was he doing and what kind of sorcery was this!? I must have mumbled something out loud about it being magic. And that’s when he told me………
If you haven’t started there, please fly your broomsticks over to the “About” page, first.
3…2…1! Blast off!
I am finally and officially ready for the launch of this website!
This morning I woke up from a dream about an imaginary restaurant with the best slushies in dreamland (I visit this place on a semi recurring basis). I thought it was real, and was planning to get up, get into my car, and go there…but there were two problems: I can’t go there because we are homebound from COVID 19, AND it isn’t real.
So, I got up, made breakfast, took a shower, and decided to get my bedroom sanctuary all tidy (I even made my bed with a little help from my friends…)
After that, I got into my power suit, slipped on my usual bling, plus some extra flair, and put on makeup so I could get into a powerful mindset for starting this project. 💎
Then I went outside to document the whole look for you, so you can feel my POWER! I even posed for you in natural, sunny light by some trees! How rare am I?! (that’s the first interrobang I’ve used in a long ass time! And if you didn’t know that that was an actual form of punctuation, well, you’re welcome!)
Since I’m already in my power outfit, and burning a blue candle on my altar surrounded by crystals (to keep my throat chakra open…or perhaps a bit overpowered, but never you mind that). I also drew some oracle cards next to my computer that I picked out to help me embody (hopefully my own body) my blogging goals and work on this site……..
I was hoping to be able to release this website into the universe yesterday on the new moon at 10:25 PM last night, but failed. So, this will have to do.
Now it is time to set my intentions for this site and manifest them. I did manage to do my new moon magick work for the blog yesterday by cleansing, charging and arranging my crystals on my grid and updating my altar. I tried to watch the new moon rise…but I couldn’t find it in the sky 😆😆😆 (hopefully these emojis hint that I am joking here).
So, without further ado, I shall set my intentions for this website in my magickal way that I often do:
May all the witches and (and non witches!) and even warlocks (like my Dad!) alike feel at home here. May they be open to my twisted (and sometimes unicorny 🦄) sense of humor. This website shall be a source of joy and laughter, but never a source of cruelty (unless you believe that banishing evil forces in the world is unjust).
May people who use the phrase “live, laugh, love” perhaps find a more realistic type of slogan. That shit makes me cringe.
May my visitors be sensitive, but not so sensitive that they are offended. I am a realist and tell it like it is. However, goodness and integrity will drive me through my words and actions on this site. I will infuse it with love and beauty (my aesthetic, is best described as day glow or pastel goth but sometimes regular goth too).
May People of all spiritual backgrounds and lack thereofs be drawn to this site and be entertained. They shall find reverence in the relevance of my words.